Badly Enough
by Anjirika
Summary: Spoilers for Season Four Episode Twenty-One "Head Hunters". Castle and Beckett realize that when you want something bad enough, you have to get over the hurt that stands in your way. Please take the time to read and review this complete little coda.


DISCLAIMER: CASTLE AND ALL IT'S CHARACTERS DO NOT BELONG TO ME. THEY BELONG TO ABC & ANDREW MARLOWE. I'M JUST BORROWING THEM FOR A BIT

_Author's Note: After watching "Head Hunters" I got this little plot bunny and seeing how we're not getting a new Castle episode until the thirtieth I figured that this would be a great little drabble to keep ya'll occupied (and myself) for the week and a bit that we have to wait. I realized that as Castle was talking to Alexis, he was inadvertently giving himself some good advice and this is how I picture him taking it… please be kind and take the time to review! I love hearing what you think. _

**Badly Enough**

Castle decided that he needed to take his own advice. He had told his daughter that she had to decide whether or not she wanted something badly enough to get over being hurt by it, and it was a good piece of advice especially for him. He had been incredibly hurt by the sudden realization that Kate Beckett had known for seven months that he had loved her. At first he had thought that pulling away would be the best course of action, but his experience with 'Slaughter' had taught him otherwise. He and Beckett made an excellent team, more than that he felt more whole when he was around her and if her recent behaviour was anything to go off of, she felt the same— at least partially.

Deciding like there was no time like the present, Castle had invited out to lunch to "catch up" as he had put it. He had thought that she would have said no, that she was still too involved with getting things ready for the trial but she had told him that it would be a welcome break from all the monotony of her current job. They had a lovely dinner where Castle regaled her with Alexis's semi-mental breakdown about not getting any acceptance letters and then her absolute joy in being accepted to all of them.

"Even Stanford," Castle stated as he and Kate walked through Central Park. "If you can believe it."

"They offered her admission now even though they turned her down earlier?"

Castle nodded. "She was surprised and frankly she doesn't know what to do."

"Well it's her first choice of schools isn't it?" Kate asked. "I would have thought that she would have been jumping at the chance to go."

"I would have thought so too except that she feels betrayed by the fact that they turned her down the first time and because of that, she's not even sure if she wants to give them another chance." Castle explained, hoping that the double meaning of his words weren't too obvious.

Being the writer that he was, Castle had planned out his entire speech from beginning to end. Of course, Kate didn't know the script and so whenever she made a comment that forced him to change tactics or skip a little he felt himself getting more and more flustered. Luckily for him, Kate's response to the advice that he gave Alexis was exactly what he had wanted.

"Well that's obvious Castle," Kate replied. "Anyone would feel like that."

"I know," he agreed.

"So what did you tell her?"

Castle took a deep breath. "I told her that she needed to decide whether or not she wanted it badly enough to get over being hurt."

"That's sound advice Castle," she said with a smile. "What made you think of it?"

"Personal experience," he replied stopping and forcing Kate to stop right along side him.

"Is something wrong?" Kate asked worriedly as she joined him off to the side of the path. "You seem… you have seemed really distracted lately. Almost as though…" she trailed off, wanting to get all her worries of her chest but completely terrified that if she told Castle everything that he would pull away from her more.

"Almost as though what?" he asked almost eagerly.

"You were saying that it was personal experience that made you give Alexis that advice…" Kate began, completely ignoring his question. "…the whole wanting something badly enough versus being hurt by it… where did that come from? One of your ex wives?"

Castle shook his head. "You."

"Excuse me?" Kate asked, not believing what she had just heard.

"My advice for Alexis came from you…" Castle explained. "I mean not from you specifically but from this..." he paused and gestured between them. "…situation that we're in right now."

"Castle I don't understand," Kate said quietly. "How do you think that I hurt you?"

"You heard me," Castle answered bluntly, not willing to beat around the bush. "Seven months ago Kate. You heard me and you said nothing."

Kate closed her eyes and winced at the tone in his voice. It wasn't anger. Now that she knew what he had known, his behaviour over the past couple weeks made total sense. Her shrink was right; he had been pulling away to protect himself. He thought that she didn't care, but Castle was explaining it to her now. He was going out on a limb and she realized that he must have been willing to get over the betrayal to be with her. His feelings hadn't changed and Kate knew that hers would probably never change either. They were at a crossroads and she needed to repair some of the damage that he had unintentionally wrought.

"When did you find out?" she whispered aloud, her eyes still closed.

"During the Wall Street case," Castle replied referring to the bombing case. "You told that kid that you remembered every minute of being shot."

"I am so sorry Castle," she apologized quietly as she opened her eyes, feeling absolutely gutted that Castle had found out that way. "I should have said something earlier…"

"You don't have to explain,"

"Yes I do." Kate told him as she wandered over to a bench and sat down on it. "I really do," she paused until Castle had joined her and then she tried to explain. "I remember those moments so clearly. Once minute I was talking about finding someone to stand beside you in the fight of life and the next I was on the ground with you above me.

I heard you say that you loved me and I just couldn't deal with it. When I woke up I was so stunned that I just had to push you away. I wanted to call you. I wanted to talk about it but the days turned to weeks and the weeks turned to months and before I knew it so much time had passed. Then we were working cases together and it was like nothing had changed."

"But everything had changed." Castle whispered.

"I know that," Kate confirmed. "Believe me I know that. But pretending like I hadn't gotten shot and pretending that I hadn't heard what you had said helped me heal… and Castle you have to know how much I needed that time to heal. And then the whole ordeal with the bomber happened and I realized that I was done healing and that I couldn't wait any longer."

"And that's when I started pulling away…"

Kate nodded. "And now I understand why. You heard me say that I remember in the worst way possible. I knew that I was going to have to address it sometime but I…"

"You don't have to apologize." Castle assured.

"I do," Kate stated. "I am so sorry."

She looked away, and Castle realized that the ball was in his court. He had led the conversation to this point and now it was up to him to promise her that he did still feel the same way, and Castle had to come clean about what he had been keeping secret from her.

"My feelings haven't changed," he said bluntly, causing Kate to look up at him in surprise. "I know my actions lately haven't shown that but I felt betrayed. I thought that by pulling away I'd be able to get over you. That I'd be able to turn my feelings off like a switch but the truth is… they haven't changed. I still love you Kate."

Kate felt tears springing to her eyes as a wave of relief washed over her. She wasn't too late, he felt the same as she did and now it was her chance to reciprocate. "And I l—"

"Don't." Castle interrupted, putting a finger to her lips to silence her. "Don't say anything just yet. I need you to know something Kate, something that may change how you feel about me. What I told Alexis will apply to you too. You're going to have to decide if you want something between us to work badly enough to get over this…"

Castle paused and took a deep breath. "I know some things about your mother's case," he said slowly watching as her eyes went wide. "I was contacted by an acquaintance of Montgomery's. He knows who is behind things and he's been keeping you safe under the condition that you didn't pursue things."

"You told me to back off…" she whispered, her voice monotone and hard to read.

"I had almost lost you once," Castle told her. "I didn't want to lose you for real."

Kate looked into Castle's eyes and for a moment he thought that he was going to lose her anyways. The last time that he had looked into her mother's case without her permission, Kate had gone ballistic on him and hadn't spoken to him for months. What he had been keeping from her was enough to make her never want to speak to him again.

And there was a part of Kate that didn't want to speak to him ever again. That part of her wanted to get up and storm away. She wanted to go tell Gates to bar him from the twelfth so that she wouldn't have anything to do with him ever again. However, that was a very small part. Much smaller then she expected and Kate believed that her shooting had had an unforeseen consequence. She had realized how much she had to lose, and Kate knew that losing her life wasn't the worst thing that could happen to her. The worst thing that could happen to her was losing Castle, and she was determined not to let that happen.

"You didn't lose me then," Kate said at last as she reached out and took his hand. "And you won't lose me now."

Castle looked to their conjoined hands in surprise and for the first time he found himself at a loss for words.

"I know that I should feel betrayed," Kate continued as she absentmindedly traced circles on his hand with her thumb. "And I'd be lying if there wasn't a part of me that did feel that way but…"

"But what?" Castle asked, his voice low and quiet.

"But I want this thing between us to work so badly…" she admitted. "…I'm not willing to lose you. Not now."

"Kate… what are you saying?"

Kate placed her other hand on Castle's cheek. "I'm saying that I love you."

Castle didn't say anything. He couldn't say anything. All he could do was take his hand back to pull Kate towards him. His lips captured hers and they shared a soul-searing kiss. It was a silent promise of their mutual understanding. Both of them wanted to be with each other badly enough, that they were willing to get over every thing that they had done to hurt each other because they both knew, that losing one another was a far worse fate.

"I'm never going to let you go Castle," Kate whispered as she pulled back slightly from the kiss. "I never want to lose you."

"You'll never lose me Kate," he promised. "I love you too much to leave now."

Kate smiled and leaned in to kiss him again, beyond thankful that she had Castle in her life.

END


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